Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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