The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
