someone threw a dead crab at me
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
