I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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