she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
