Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
