thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
