I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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