you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
