last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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