i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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