My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
