i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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