my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
