im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
