Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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