Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
