My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
