And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
