i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
