It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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