He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
