Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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