I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize