Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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