i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
There's a naked man in my car right now.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
