I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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