So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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