I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
