we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
