dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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