Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
