There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
