I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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