dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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