He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
