meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
