My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
