apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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