I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
