I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
