I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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