he puts the penis in happiness.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
