You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
