Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
