Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
