I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
