I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
