it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You're a waste of cheezeits
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
