u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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