The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
