We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
