I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
