Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
