I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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