Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
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