girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
