the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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