Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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