I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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